This week, I started off doing really well. I had boiled eggs for the week's lunch salads, chopped cucumbers, and shredded carrots on Sunday afternoon. I packaged my almonds for the week, made sure I had healthy granola bars for breakfast, etc. I was kind of proud of myself. Monday was great. Tuesday was fine, until I got sick after lunch. I'm not sure why, since I ate the exact same thing from the same packages as Monday.... with the exception of the bagged lettuce. Well, let's just say I couldn't keep food down for a day or so, and avoided salads for the rest of the week. I just tried to watch my portions, skip the junk food, and drink more water. The weird thing is.... even though I skipped meals, I never once got that grumbly in my tummy like I was starving. I actually feel hungrier when I eat than I do when I DON'T eat. How weird is that?
I am proud to say that this morning, the scale rewarded me by showing a number that was 6.8 lbs LESS than last week! I'm sure part of it was being sick, and part was due to me no longer being bloated from the "gift" that wench called Mother Nature had for me last week. Hey, maybe the scale needs new batteries. Who knows? But I'll take it. :-)
This week, I'm still kind of nervous about eating salads. I didn't buy any salad stuff at the store today. I'm going to go for the mini portions of dinner leftovers and see how that goes. I DO realize that I need to eat more veggies so I stocked up today at the store. Hopefully if I fill myself up with green beans and whatnot, I won't be so tempted to eat tons of leftovers.
And, despite 3 phone calls last week, my doctor STILL hasn't called me back about the pre-approval for the nutritionist (or the results of my blood test for Rheumatoid Arthritis.) Seriously, dude.... I know you're busy and probably have a ton of patients, but dang it, YOU'RE the one pushing me to lose the weight and telling me if I don't, I'm going to die. You'd think you'd get off your arse and get this taken care of. If I could do it myself, it would already be done.... but I can't. They need to talk to a DOCTOR. So please do your job before I start getting beligerant. I don't think that's too much to ask. I'm on a roll here and you're cramping my momentum.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Effin bike pedals!
Guess what I didn't do last night? UGH! I swear, my mind has about a 12 second capacity. After 12 seconds, you may as well forget it. I think maybe I need to write out a schedule for my days so that I actually REMEMBER to do the things I need to do - like exercising. And making my salad for lunch. If it's not all ready and staring me in the face, it's too easy for me to say "Forget this" and make myself a giant bowl of pasta with butter & parmesan cheese for lunch. Sad, isn't it? That taking 20 minutes to make pasta wins out over taking 6 minutes to make myself a salad. I don't eat NEARLY enough vegetables so the salad is sort of a must. Although I have to admit, I ate a giant salad an hour ago and I'm already starving. I even put a hard boiled egg in it (protein) which is supposed to help fill you up. I recken my stomach is just too big to fill. But that WILL change.
This morning was a REALLY trying morning with the munchkin. Whoever coined the term "terrible 2's" must not have ever known a 3 year old. It's sort of a vicious cycle because I tend to eat to comfort myself. So when I am angry, sad, upset, etc - I eat. And I admit, a lot of times after munchkin and I have battled it out for several hours in a row, I just want a giant brownie sundae or a deep dish pizza. Yeah - back in the day I could eat an entire large pizza by myself and not feel stuffed. How pathetic is THAT? Or I would go through a drive-thru and order 2 value meals and eat them both myself. I'd make the 2 drinks different, as if, somehow, the person working there wouldn't put 2 and 2 together and realize that there WASN'T a second person waiting for their food - it was all for me. Looking back, it's hard to believe I used to do that. I mean, if I look at all the money I've wasted on fast food (which is a HUGE part of how I got to be as big as I am) I probably could have bought myself a Ferrari. Instead, I decided to "eat" that money and as a result I probably couldn't even FIT in a Ferrari. Go me. I DO have a snack, but I'm trying to save it for later. Ten whole almonds. Whoopee.
Tonight, I have counseling. I started going in hopes of learning ways to cope with my Panic Disorder and Depression. Recently, we've spent quite a bit of time talking about my weight and my desire to lose some of the excess poundage. I don't really get much out of our sessions, to be honest. But I'm hoping to have what I call the Karate Kid Effect - where you just grunt along, pissing and moaning about all the mindless work you have to do and then one day it will all just click, and I'll realize that the seemingly meaningless crap I've been doing all along really DID teach me something. Anyway, counseling nights always spell trouble because I usually end up going through a drive-thru and eating garbage that I shouldn't. Having an appointment right around dinner time is a bad idea when you're dieting, but it really IS the only timeframe that will work where I won't have to bring the munchkin with me. And let's be honest.... after dealing with Little Miss Attitude all day long, I kind of enjoy the break.
While typing that last paragraph, I just ate those 10 almonds. I'm still starving.
This morning was a REALLY trying morning with the munchkin. Whoever coined the term "terrible 2's" must not have ever known a 3 year old. It's sort of a vicious cycle because I tend to eat to comfort myself. So when I am angry, sad, upset, etc - I eat. And I admit, a lot of times after munchkin and I have battled it out for several hours in a row, I just want a giant brownie sundae or a deep dish pizza. Yeah - back in the day I could eat an entire large pizza by myself and not feel stuffed. How pathetic is THAT? Or I would go through a drive-thru and order 2 value meals and eat them both myself. I'd make the 2 drinks different, as if, somehow, the person working there wouldn't put 2 and 2 together and realize that there WASN'T a second person waiting for their food - it was all for me. Looking back, it's hard to believe I used to do that. I mean, if I look at all the money I've wasted on fast food (which is a HUGE part of how I got to be as big as I am) I probably could have bought myself a Ferrari. Instead, I decided to "eat" that money and as a result I probably couldn't even FIT in a Ferrari. Go me. I DO have a snack, but I'm trying to save it for later. Ten whole almonds. Whoopee.
Tonight, I have counseling. I started going in hopes of learning ways to cope with my Panic Disorder and Depression. Recently, we've spent quite a bit of time talking about my weight and my desire to lose some of the excess poundage. I don't really get much out of our sessions, to be honest. But I'm hoping to have what I call the Karate Kid Effect - where you just grunt along, pissing and moaning about all the mindless work you have to do and then one day it will all just click, and I'll realize that the seemingly meaningless crap I've been doing all along really DID teach me something. Anyway, counseling nights always spell trouble because I usually end up going through a drive-thru and eating garbage that I shouldn't. Having an appointment right around dinner time is a bad idea when you're dieting, but it really IS the only timeframe that will work where I won't have to bring the munchkin with me. And let's be honest.... after dealing with Little Miss Attitude all day long, I kind of enjoy the break.
While typing that last paragraph, I just ate those 10 almonds. I'm still starving.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Jumped head first off the wagon......
Yes, I know.... I've been gone a while. Let's see if I can do a quick recap.
The first week of my diet, I did well at breakfast and lunch. I even started taking a multivitamin every day. Dinners were more difficult, and passing up the ice cream that my fiance' eats just about every night was painfilly difficult. I wanted it. I wanted it SO bad! Once or twice, I cheated, but more often than not, I was able to say no and mean it. I did have fast food a few times, more out of necessity/lack of time than anything else. And it was pretty darn tasty. I did absolutely NO exercise. That week, I lost 1.2 lbs. I know it could have been more, and I wish it had been more, but it was a start.
Week 2 I pretty much blew that diet. I was getting ready for "that time" and was eating everything in sight. I barely ate a single healthy food. No exercise. A few trips through the drive-thru. I gained 2.0 lbs. I tried to convince myself it was water weight gain from my impending gift from mother nature. It's funny how you try to justify being fat in order to take the blame off yourself.
Week 3 I tried to eat a little better. I didn't have many veggies but I made wiser choices (ie grilled chicken instead of a big, juicy cheeseburger with fries.) I still didn't exercise. I need to get those dang pedals out, but I keep blowing it off. I should take them out and put them in the middle of the living room so I can't ignore them anymore. I lost 0.8lbs that week, which puts me right back to where I started, weight-wise.
I also visited my doctor last week. My intention was to talk to him about my diet and to let him know that I wanted to try to lose some of the weight on my own, rather than go for weight loss surgery - which he is REALLY pushing me to do. But I'm scared. The mortality rate for that surgery is FOUR TIMES the mortality rate for other laproscopic (sp) surgeries on thinner people, and to put it bluntly, I don't want to die. Plus, I would be out of commission for a month or more.... that is, of course, assuming there are no complications. We don't have anyone to take care of the munchkin for a month, and my fiance' sure as heck can't take a month off work. Could this be another weak excuse? Sure. But it is my reality. I can't agree to a surgery without knowing that our lives aren't going to unravel afterward.
Anyway, the doctor's visit didn't go so well. He had a student with him, which probably explains why his personality was more harsh and not quite as understanding and supportive as he was the last time I saw him. He pretty much told me that he doesn't think I can lose the weight on my own. He doesn't think I have the strength and the stamina to see it through. Hearing that from him was like a slap in the face.... and it made me angry. He basically told me he thought I was making the wrong choice, but told me to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, and come back in 2 weeks. He also gave me a referral for a nutritionist that supposedly takes my crappy state insurance, but when I called to confirm that, I was told the DOCTOR has to call and get it pre-authorized. I left him a message about it but never heard back from him. That's pretty typical. I'm pretty sure he's sick of me, pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy and that I waste too much of his time. So I don't even mention half the stuff I should when I see him because it doesn't seem like he believes me anyway. I did, however, mention the pains in my shoulders, elbows, wrists, and fingers on both sides and he is testing me for Rheumatoid Arthritis. UGH!
So today I am "back on the wagon." I WILL do the extra walking and when I'm done with this journal entry, I'm going to dust off those pedals and give 'em a go. Can't hurt, right? I WILL do this, or I will die trying. NOBODY tells me I don't have the stamina to see something through - and I'll do it only to prove the doctor wrong. Maybe next time he has an overweight patient who is struggling and looking to him for help, he won't be so arrogant and unsupportive. There's another goal - I want him to apologize and make him eat his words when I show him I CAN do this. (And if you're out there reading this, whoever you are, some positive and uplifting comments would really help right about now.)
The first week of my diet, I did well at breakfast and lunch. I even started taking a multivitamin every day. Dinners were more difficult, and passing up the ice cream that my fiance' eats just about every night was painfilly difficult. I wanted it. I wanted it SO bad! Once or twice, I cheated, but more often than not, I was able to say no and mean it. I did have fast food a few times, more out of necessity/lack of time than anything else. And it was pretty darn tasty. I did absolutely NO exercise. That week, I lost 1.2 lbs. I know it could have been more, and I wish it had been more, but it was a start.
Week 2 I pretty much blew that diet. I was getting ready for "that time" and was eating everything in sight. I barely ate a single healthy food. No exercise. A few trips through the drive-thru. I gained 2.0 lbs. I tried to convince myself it was water weight gain from my impending gift from mother nature. It's funny how you try to justify being fat in order to take the blame off yourself.
Week 3 I tried to eat a little better. I didn't have many veggies but I made wiser choices (ie grilled chicken instead of a big, juicy cheeseburger with fries.) I still didn't exercise. I need to get those dang pedals out, but I keep blowing it off. I should take them out and put them in the middle of the living room so I can't ignore them anymore. I lost 0.8lbs that week, which puts me right back to where I started, weight-wise.
I also visited my doctor last week. My intention was to talk to him about my diet and to let him know that I wanted to try to lose some of the weight on my own, rather than go for weight loss surgery - which he is REALLY pushing me to do. But I'm scared. The mortality rate for that surgery is FOUR TIMES the mortality rate for other laproscopic (sp) surgeries on thinner people, and to put it bluntly, I don't want to die. Plus, I would be out of commission for a month or more.... that is, of course, assuming there are no complications. We don't have anyone to take care of the munchkin for a month, and my fiance' sure as heck can't take a month off work. Could this be another weak excuse? Sure. But it is my reality. I can't agree to a surgery without knowing that our lives aren't going to unravel afterward.
Anyway, the doctor's visit didn't go so well. He had a student with him, which probably explains why his personality was more harsh and not quite as understanding and supportive as he was the last time I saw him. He pretty much told me that he doesn't think I can lose the weight on my own. He doesn't think I have the strength and the stamina to see it through. Hearing that from him was like a slap in the face.... and it made me angry. He basically told me he thought I was making the wrong choice, but told me to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, and come back in 2 weeks. He also gave me a referral for a nutritionist that supposedly takes my crappy state insurance, but when I called to confirm that, I was told the DOCTOR has to call and get it pre-authorized. I left him a message about it but never heard back from him. That's pretty typical. I'm pretty sure he's sick of me, pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy and that I waste too much of his time. So I don't even mention half the stuff I should when I see him because it doesn't seem like he believes me anyway. I did, however, mention the pains in my shoulders, elbows, wrists, and fingers on both sides and he is testing me for Rheumatoid Arthritis. UGH!
So today I am "back on the wagon." I WILL do the extra walking and when I'm done with this journal entry, I'm going to dust off those pedals and give 'em a go. Can't hurt, right? I WILL do this, or I will die trying. NOBODY tells me I don't have the stamina to see something through - and I'll do it only to prove the doctor wrong. Maybe next time he has an overweight patient who is struggling and looking to him for help, he won't be so arrogant and unsupportive. There's another goal - I want him to apologize and make him eat his words when I show him I CAN do this. (And if you're out there reading this, whoever you are, some positive and uplifting comments would really help right about now.)
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