Jumped head first off the wagon......

Yes, I know.... I've been gone a while.  Let's see if I can do a quick recap.
The first week of my diet, I did well at breakfast and lunch. I even started taking a multivitamin every day.  Dinners were more difficult, and passing up the ice cream that my fiance' eats just about every night was painfilly difficult.  I wanted it. I wanted it SO bad!  Once or twice, I cheated, but more often than not, I was able to say no and mean it.  I did have fast food a few times, more out of necessity/lack of time than anything else.  And it was pretty darn tasty.  I did absolutely NO exercise.  That week, I lost 1.2 lbs. I know it could have been more, and I wish it had been more, but it was a start.

Week 2 I pretty much blew that diet.  I was getting ready for "that time" and was eating everything in sight.  I barely ate a single healthy food.  No exercise.  A few trips through the drive-thru.  I gained 2.0 lbs.  I tried to convince myself it was water weight gain from my impending gift from mother nature.  It's funny how you try to justify being fat in order to take the blame off yourself.

Week 3 I tried to eat a little better.  I didn't have many veggies but I made wiser choices (ie grilled chicken instead of a big, juicy cheeseburger with fries.)  I still didn't exercise.  I need to get those dang pedals out, but I keep blowing it off.  I should take them out and put them in the middle of the living room so I can't ignore them anymore.  I lost 0.8lbs that week, which puts me right back to where I started, weight-wise.

I also visited my doctor last week.  My intention was to talk to him about my diet and to let him know that I wanted to try to lose some of the weight on my own, rather than go for weight loss surgery - which he is REALLY pushing me to do.  But I'm scared.  The mortality rate for that surgery is FOUR TIMES the mortality rate for other laproscopic (sp) surgeries on thinner people, and to put it bluntly, I don't want to die.  Plus, I would be out of commission for a month or more.... that is, of course, assuming there are no complications.  We don't have anyone to take care of the munchkin for a month, and my fiance' sure as heck can't take a month off work.  Could this be another weak excuse?  Sure. But it is my reality.  I can't agree to a surgery without knowing that our lives aren't going to unravel afterward. 

Anyway, the doctor's visit didn't go so well.  He had a student with him, which probably explains why his personality was more harsh and not quite as understanding and supportive as he was the last time I saw him.  He pretty much told me that he doesn't think I can lose the weight on my own.  He doesn't think I have the strength and the stamina to see it through.  Hearing that from him was like a slap in the face.... and it made me angry.  He basically told me he thought I was making the wrong choice, but told me to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, and come back in 2 weeks.  He also gave me a referral for a nutritionist that supposedly takes my crappy state insurance, but when I called to confirm that, I was told the DOCTOR has to call and get it pre-authorized.  I left him a message about it but never heard back from him.  That's pretty typical.  I'm pretty sure he's sick of me, pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy and that I waste too much of his time.  So I don't even mention half the stuff I should when I see him because it doesn't seem like he believes me anyway.  I did, however, mention the pains in my shoulders, elbows, wrists, and fingers on both sides and he is testing me for Rheumatoid Arthritis.  UGH! 

So today I am "back on the wagon."  I WILL do the extra walking and when I'm done with this journal entry, I'm going to dust off those pedals and give 'em a go.  Can't hurt, right?  I WILL do this, or I will die trying.  NOBODY tells me I don't have the stamina to see something through - and I'll do it only to prove the doctor wrong.  Maybe next time he has an overweight patient who is struggling and looking to him for help, he won't be so arrogant and unsupportive.  There's another goal - I want him to apologize and make him eat his words when I show him I CAN do this.  (And if you're out there reading this, whoever you are, some positive and uplifting comments would really help right about now.)